And I hear in the silence a voice most desperate. She’s crying in low muffled tones, saying, “I’m not enough. I’ve failed again. I’m no good. I’ll never succeed.” And it’s as if the world has stopped around her and all that once was beauty and happy has suddenly ended with despair and regret and inability to see the beauty that she is and the beauty that she does and the caring and the selfless sacrifice that happens over and over again through the work of her tiny hands.
As I try to find the words to pull her up and away and to show her how much her work is worth, all my grandiose ideas come to a halt when I hear the words come from my very own lips pointed right at her, “I agree.”
I shudder that I let that slip off this tongue. I have been told over and over again,”Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
And my words burn flesh and pierce heart and I know my Master droops sadness for His beauty.
And there I am hunched in the corner of my mind looking with disdain upon myself.
But my Master is not one who will allow beauty to fade and fear to linger and scorn to rule over His beloved. And he comes to me in His gentle way and takes my tear stained cheeks in His hands. And in my shame I do not look...but I am listening.
“How I have longed to gather you up...with you I am well-pleased...you are my beloved and I am yours...and I have loved you with an everlasting love...”
And His words carry me out of myself and right into Him.
Suddenly the silence has ended and all is joy and happy. And the one who was caught in self, is freed and the trembling turns to dancing. And the words now breathe life and build strong, “I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. I know the plans He has for me...plans for a hope and future. It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and Your right hand sustains me; You stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."
And glory turns back to Him.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
ONE MONTH TO LIVE
DAY 10
He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. ~Martin Luther King Jr.
LORD, help me to always dive deeply into your depths of forgiveness both for myself and for others.
He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. ~Martin Luther King Jr.
LORD, help me to always dive deeply into your depths of forgiveness both for myself and for others.
Monday, April 12, 2010
ONE MONTH TO LIVE
DAY 7
Write out a description of one dream you have that you believe is from God. How has it "floated to the top" in your life? How does it require faith on your part for it to be realized? How does it serve others?
My dream of performing through song and act for God's people is continually at the top of my thoughts. It has been since the beginning of all time for me. The dream is to be able to travel around to different women's conferences and ladies groups and events in Christendom and share God's message with people by singing and drama and the sharing of my story and belief in God. The faith that it requires is to really to overcome my fear of failure. I've learned that to conquer our fears we really don't need more faith but more love, I guess I need to have more love for those who will hear the message and also more belief in the love God has for me and that He will provide success and finish the good work He has started in me. I do believe God is pulling me closer and closer to living this desire He has for me. He continues to give me opportunity to sing and perform even when I'm not looking for it. He continues to give me more and more songs to sing for Him. He's raising up a support system around me that will sustain me through all the difficulties that this dream will incur. He's just recently given me very clear direction on the next step and now I need to just do my part and get to work.
Another dream I feel that God is giving me and Cody is the dream to settle down. This is an extremely scary thing for me since I have moved 31 times in my life and never lived in the same place longer than five years (that was from 1-6 years of age). Yet, several clues have given us hints and awakened this desire in us. We deeply desire to be near our children as they grow and become independent, we deeply desire the deep fellowship of the body of Christ and the fruit that is found in those relationships. Yet, both of these desires are best achieved by staying put. So, we are praying for God to send us settled soon.
DAY 9
Make a list of the people you would want to see and to share your heart with if you knew your time on earth was limited to one more month.
-My husband and kids
-ALL my other family, especially Jenn
-Abby
Write out a description of one dream you have that you believe is from God. How has it "floated to the top" in your life? How does it require faith on your part for it to be realized? How does it serve others?
My dream of performing through song and act for God's people is continually at the top of my thoughts. It has been since the beginning of all time for me. The dream is to be able to travel around to different women's conferences and ladies groups and events in Christendom and share God's message with people by singing and drama and the sharing of my story and belief in God. The faith that it requires is to really to overcome my fear of failure. I've learned that to conquer our fears we really don't need more faith but more love, I guess I need to have more love for those who will hear the message and also more belief in the love God has for me and that He will provide success and finish the good work He has started in me. I do believe God is pulling me closer and closer to living this desire He has for me. He continues to give me opportunity to sing and perform even when I'm not looking for it. He continues to give me more and more songs to sing for Him. He's raising up a support system around me that will sustain me through all the difficulties that this dream will incur. He's just recently given me very clear direction on the next step and now I need to just do my part and get to work.
Another dream I feel that God is giving me and Cody is the dream to settle down. This is an extremely scary thing for me since I have moved 31 times in my life and never lived in the same place longer than five years (that was from 1-6 years of age). Yet, several clues have given us hints and awakened this desire in us. We deeply desire to be near our children as they grow and become independent, we deeply desire the deep fellowship of the body of Christ and the fruit that is found in those relationships. Yet, both of these desires are best achieved by staying put. So, we are praying for God to send us settled soon.
DAY 9
Make a list of the people you would want to see and to share your heart with if you knew your time on earth was limited to one more month.
-My husband and kids
-ALL my other family, especially Jenn
-Abby
Sunday, April 11, 2010
ONE MONTH TO LIVE
DAY 8
Today we had a picnic at the local lake with some friends. We invited anyone and everyone that wanted to come. There were about 12 all together that chose to spend a few hours enjoying the outdoors. With hotdogs, and puppy dogs, and playing some fetch and then playing some catch, it was definitely a beautiful day!
Koey and I sat down together while we were waiting for the charcoal to get there and we worked a song out together. It was a blessing to have here singing next to me and see her excitement about song writing and learning to play the song on the guitar and share it with everyone.
Azlen got stung by a bee, as is bound to happen to someone when the outdoors is so fresh. And though that was definitely not the highlight of the afternoon, it did give me the chance to really be her mom and comfort my baby girl which I definitely cherish.
I completely enjoyed watching Titus follow Coby (a 6 year old Sheltie) around. It was great training for Titus since Coby is a very obedient dog that does not need a leash to stay close even if a stray dog comes for a sudden visit. Titus, who is about five times smaller than Coby acted like a shadow to Coby and wanted to do EVERYTHING that Coby did. It was precious!
After a few hours everyone kind of dwindled off and Cody and the kids and I were left to take in the rest of the gorgeousness. Cody quickly fell asleep in the car and the kids headed to the playground while I camped out in the middle of the field and listened for the song that God wanted to give to His people. (I'll be working on getting it recorded to share with more folks.)
It was a great day! Exactly the kind I'd wish for if I only had One Month to Live.
Today we had a picnic at the local lake with some friends. We invited anyone and everyone that wanted to come. There were about 12 all together that chose to spend a few hours enjoying the outdoors. With hotdogs, and puppy dogs, and playing some fetch and then playing some catch, it was definitely a beautiful day!
Koey and I sat down together while we were waiting for the charcoal to get there and we worked a song out together. It was a blessing to have here singing next to me and see her excitement about song writing and learning to play the song on the guitar and share it with everyone.
Azlen got stung by a bee, as is bound to happen to someone when the outdoors is so fresh. And though that was definitely not the highlight of the afternoon, it did give me the chance to really be her mom and comfort my baby girl which I definitely cherish.
I completely enjoyed watching Titus follow Coby (a 6 year old Sheltie) around. It was great training for Titus since Coby is a very obedient dog that does not need a leash to stay close even if a stray dog comes for a sudden visit. Titus, who is about five times smaller than Coby acted like a shadow to Coby and wanted to do EVERYTHING that Coby did. It was precious!
After a few hours everyone kind of dwindled off and Cody and the kids and I were left to take in the rest of the gorgeousness. Cody quickly fell asleep in the car and the kids headed to the playground while I camped out in the middle of the field and listened for the song that God wanted to give to His people. (I'll be working on getting it recorded to share with more folks.)
It was a great day! Exactly the kind I'd wish for if I only had One Month to Live.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
One Month to Live
I have begun reading the book "One Month to Live" with our church. We are currently on day 5. I am enjoying it very much yet I must confess, I am finding my life very busy and reading a book, even if it is only about 3 pages a day, is the last thing I want to be doing with my One Month Challenge. Yet, I am growing because of it...a little everyday. I've started out pretty slow and rushed. Slow at finding the time to do what the book suggests and rushed when I do break down and do it just to read it quick and get on to the next thing, as usual. But, something changed in me today I think. We had a small group meeting called D-Light tonight. We are all going through the book together (about 8 women) and tonight was our first discussion. It was great to share our frustrations and excitements and to also gauge where each of is, commitment wise to this challenge to live a "no-regrets" life. Some are fully engaged, others are a few days behind already, and I have walked away from D-Light, with a new fervor to do this thing right. We decided that we all will get the most out of our experience if we actually answer the questions in the book by writing them down instead of just thinking about it in our head. There's something about writing it down that makes it official. We also will catch up on the ones we didn't do, for example I have not asked anyone to ask me in 30 days how my life has changed. So, I will be asking a dear friend soon to do that for me. I will be posting my answers and progress on this blog. There's something about a public journal that makes it feel like somebody noticed my life, even if it has not been a hugely significant one thus far. Below are a few of my "catch-up" assignments.
DAY 4
Write a letter or prayer to God, being as honest as you can about your present disappointments and frustrations. Consider how these problems or issues might be preparing you for a more fruitful season.
Dear Father,
I love you most deeply. I can’t remember the last time I sat and wrote to you. It’s been a long time and I’ve been busy I guess. I don’t really know what I’ve been busy doing but I never seem to be able to stop. I know you have called me to a life of ministry for you and I desire deeply to fulfill that. You’ve given me a voice to sing of your glory and to share your story. It seems that all I want to do is that...yet it is always the last thing I get to. Have I misunderstood you? Perhaps I’m just impatient in waiting for your timing. Teach me what to do Lord and I will. If I need to just be still, then slow my legs. If I need to work harder, then strengthen them. Lord, I know my days are numbered and I desire to use them, each one, for you. I often fail and find that I have used up what should have been your time for me. Lord, I am frustrated by so many things...money, work, a dirty house, the feeling of being a pilgrim, not being able to help my parents, not being able to see my sisters, overwork, underpay, weight gain, sleepiness...and on and on. You know my heart and I ask you to help me find contentment in all these things. If you want me to be continually in debt and poor then help me understand that. Is it a lack of faith that brings us to such lows in our finances? or is it the result of our past decisions still and we are paying the consequences? Help me Lord!
I am confident that these things are to prepare me for the next season of my life. You have always pruned me and pruned me and now though there is fruit, I know also that there is still much pruning to be done with me. It will continue to hurt, I will continue to embrace it as much as possible.
DAY 5
Spend time journaling about a specific goal for each of these four areas that you can pursue during the rest of this month. Make sure the goals are practical and measurable.
Spiritual
Seek out God’s heart for prayer in your life. Find out why you have such a hard time with prayer. Do you really believe it works? Why are you so lazy about it at times and at other times so moved to pray? Pray specifically at the Disciple Niche each day and mark each day in the journal there.
Physical
Continue to commit to healthier eating and better exercise (3-5 times/wk). Much of your problem is not preparing food for yourself on days that you are away from home (which seems to be nearly everyday) and then not eating at regular intervals. Begin to take breaks from what you are doing to go eat well so you will not be bombarded by food thoughts or overeat when you do finally let yourself find food. Also, get the sleep your body needs, even if it means coming home after lunch to take a quick nap.
Emotional
Don’t let your mind wander onto those things that get you down. Living in the past or dwelling too much on the future is very dangerous for you. Live in today and do the best you can with all that is going on around you right now. Confess to Cody each time your mind rabbit trails.
Relational
Purposefully try to deepen the friendships you are acquiring. Reach out to people more even if it’s just to say you like them. Write a personal note to each of the ladies in D-Light.
DAY 4
Write a letter or prayer to God, being as honest as you can about your present disappointments and frustrations. Consider how these problems or issues might be preparing you for a more fruitful season.
Dear Father,
I love you most deeply. I can’t remember the last time I sat and wrote to you. It’s been a long time and I’ve been busy I guess. I don’t really know what I’ve been busy doing but I never seem to be able to stop. I know you have called me to a life of ministry for you and I desire deeply to fulfill that. You’ve given me a voice to sing of your glory and to share your story. It seems that all I want to do is that...yet it is always the last thing I get to. Have I misunderstood you? Perhaps I’m just impatient in waiting for your timing. Teach me what to do Lord and I will. If I need to just be still, then slow my legs. If I need to work harder, then strengthen them. Lord, I know my days are numbered and I desire to use them, each one, for you. I often fail and find that I have used up what should have been your time for me. Lord, I am frustrated by so many things...money, work, a dirty house, the feeling of being a pilgrim, not being able to help my parents, not being able to see my sisters, overwork, underpay, weight gain, sleepiness...and on and on. You know my heart and I ask you to help me find contentment in all these things. If you want me to be continually in debt and poor then help me understand that. Is it a lack of faith that brings us to such lows in our finances? or is it the result of our past decisions still and we are paying the consequences? Help me Lord!
I am confident that these things are to prepare me for the next season of my life. You have always pruned me and pruned me and now though there is fruit, I know also that there is still much pruning to be done with me. It will continue to hurt, I will continue to embrace it as much as possible.
DAY 5
Spend time journaling about a specific goal for each of these four areas that you can pursue during the rest of this month. Make sure the goals are practical and measurable.
Spiritual
Seek out God’s heart for prayer in your life. Find out why you have such a hard time with prayer. Do you really believe it works? Why are you so lazy about it at times and at other times so moved to pray? Pray specifically at the Disciple Niche each day and mark each day in the journal there.
Physical
Continue to commit to healthier eating and better exercise (3-5 times/wk). Much of your problem is not preparing food for yourself on days that you are away from home (which seems to be nearly everyday) and then not eating at regular intervals. Begin to take breaks from what you are doing to go eat well so you will not be bombarded by food thoughts or overeat when you do finally let yourself find food. Also, get the sleep your body needs, even if it means coming home after lunch to take a quick nap.
Emotional
Don’t let your mind wander onto those things that get you down. Living in the past or dwelling too much on the future is very dangerous for you. Live in today and do the best you can with all that is going on around you right now. Confess to Cody each time your mind rabbit trails.
Relational
Purposefully try to deepen the friendships you are acquiring. Reach out to people more even if it’s just to say you like them. Write a personal note to each of the ladies in D-Light.
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