I LOVE MY CHURCH

I am fascinated with the church. I love her and her doings! I really enjoy seeing all the great ideas that different people have for their communities of believers and for reaching those that don't yet believe, come to life.

In my life, I have been able to get aquainted quite intimately with about 23 different gatherings of believers. Though I don't know entirely why God has given me these experiences, I am beginning to realize that I am uniquely gifted by them.

Most recently I have been able to get behind the scenes views of some rather large doings of the church at The Crossing in Quincy, IL and at Granger Community Church in Granger, IN (both of which I highly recommend that you go for a visit if you live within an hour of; if for no other reason than to expand your view of church and culture.)

I was brought up in the church that took the approach of being somewhat traditional and geared toward sheltering believers from culture and not exactly 'seeker-friendly'. And I am now very convinced that this model is not where God calls me. Though a strictly 'seeker-friendly' church is not my place either. There's a new, or an old, way of doing things that I believe Christ modeled for us. It is found in a church that uses the best of both of these types of methods. It is both culturally relevant and top-notch in creating disciples.

One of my goals for this next year is to be able to honestly say, "I LOVE MY CHURCH!" I absolutely already can say, "I LOVE THE CHURCH!" but I want to actually attend that place. So, just as I am being very picky about our future career choices and the place that we will call 'home', I am being very picky about the church body that I commit to. I want to be able to truly throw myself into the work of the church and see the fruit she is producing.

THE BALANCE OF NOTHING

Well, here we sit once again without much of a plan and with no job of consequence and no home. It's a place I have become all too familiar with in the past four to five years. I attribute it to the pursuit of education. We have done things a little different than most. We began our family and then our education and continued our family while continuing our education. Then began a career but it wasn't quite time because the education wasn't finished yet so we are finishing the education in hopes to someday be done with this transitioning from place to place and school to school. We want to make some thicker roots and begin to really provide for our family now. So that one day they will have a place to call "home"; something I never had. I am about to attempt the 33rd move of my life and I am 33 years old. That's not normal at all and not something I am proud to admit anymore. I am exhausted by it and I am ready to stay. Unfortunately we are not moving into a permanent residence but once again into an education environment. It is just for 6 months to a year while Cody finishes his M. Div and we can find that permanent dwelling at last. So, I sit now in Kalamazoo, MI in the middle of nothing much to do but wait. It's harder to do than you'd think. I call it, balancing nothing.

THE BALANCE OF NOTHING

The balance of nothing
Is much harder than it would seem
For when the air is light
There remains a bunch of dreams

The balance of nothing
Takes patience and careful thought
And the day may dwindle on
But you might feel yourself quite caught

It begins when everything ends
And the day has no more routine
No place to be, and nothing to accomplish
It's a null of responsibility

It ends when all begins again
A dream that comes to life perhaps
Or maybe just a mandatory doing
Like work for food that brings no joy

Yes, the balance of nothing
It takes no set form
But demands an attentive mind
To keep from losing ones sanity

The balance of nothing
Nothing new, nothing exciting,
Nothing progressing, nothing inviting
Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Hardly Grateful

I heard on the radio today that it was a good idea to do something difficult and out of your comfort zone everyday for God; to be intentional like that today. Of course it was just after I said to Wonderful that I really wanted to cancel my lunch appointment with the single woman that was crying at church yesterday cause

I had too much to do and I was just too anxious and uncomfortable with it all today.

Afterall, didn't we do enough yesterday with visiting the lady in jail and comforting the kids who had been abused and are now facing the foster care system, and opening up our home to host 20 people last night for life group? And because of all that I didn't even get to do the one thing I was gonna get accomplished. Of course every excuse I had for him he dismissed easily and I found myself getting angry at him for not letting me get out of this.

But, I knew canceling was the wrong thing to do and that Wonderful was right because being a friend to her this day was the most important thing God had put in front of me.

So, I gathered up my courage and put away my martyr mentality and began to prepare to spoil this young momma with a fabulous lunch of vegetable soup and cute little sandwiches along with an apple upside-down pie. Delicious!!

Then about 9am she called to move it to after lunch at her house (I think she was nervous about it too) and then at 11:30am she called again and canceled due to an appointment she had forgotten about. I must admit I was relieved she had canceled but most importantly I was relieved because I had not. I had fought the urge all morning to ask God to have her cancel. I had fought it and I had won the battle and surrendered to Him and He in turn granted what my heart needed. The selfish me would've succumbed to my selfish ways and justified canceling but the new more obedient me refuses to be lukewarm and walks out everyday in the fear that I may just not be doing enough yet for God.

Though it is hard, I am hardly grateful. That is, that I am grateful for the hard things in my life;the things that let me know that God is using me for more than to be a hermit in my home all day while the kids are at school.

And I am grateful today for those hard things in my life and for a loving Father who sees me and knows that I need to take care of me for just a bit today. So, the soups still on and the cute little sandwiches are waiting, and the apple upside-down pie has only 10 minutes longer to bake. Dinner smells are calling!

COUNTING OUR BLESSINGS THIS WEEK (a compilation from the whole family)
156. Texas Roadhouse
157. Food
158. Getting to be a DOCTOR (I was excepted in the Doctoral program this week!)
159. All the neato things I will learn about Worship
160. Restitution
161. Time to relax
162. Good pleasure
163. Doggies that come back home (Titus was outside for an hour without us knowing)
164. School days off!
165. Ferrets
166. Emily
167. Gamma and Gampa (We visit them in a few short weeks)
168. Florida
169. Cafe Aroma and cute girlies! (Took our two oldest out for coffee and conversation)
170. Momy
171. Oops
172. Concerts (The Afters, Leeland, and Sanctus Real)
173. Momy's and Daddy's (It's been an eye opening few days for our kids to realize they have it pretty good)
174. Children! and Children! and Children! and Children!
175. Life group and rope tiers (The kids took turns tying each other up for entertainment)
176. A reminder that I should not assume I am good soil
177. A divinely canceled lunch date.

Embracing the Fire

Lately, I've been seeing the beauty in the bizarre. For instance, my sweater that is currently hanging on the treadmill next to me as a I write -- the way it's folds are laying just so and that it isn't quite touching anything but the handle it hangs from and how it gently is swaying but it takes a careful stare to even notice -- this is somehow quite beautiful to me. Is it worthy of being added to my 1,000 gifts list? Perhaps not. That may be a stretch for a heart that is beat up and isolated in her life right now but it is a sweater that is going to keep me warm later when I walk out into the crisp autumn air.

I am grateful that it has a place to hang.

It is in the little hangings of my life lately that I find my greatest joy. Like this sweater I often feel out of place. Casually tossed into a position that I do not do my best work in; in the way if someone was to come along that would actually want to use my hanging spot for its intended purpose. I would then be thoughtlessly tossed to the side again and lay in a heap until someone would come along that new how to use me or would be considerate enough to put me away in the closet with the other sweaters.

And this is where it gets bizarre...I actually am excited to be tossed aside. Because, unlike a sweater, I have a greater purpose and a greater faith that I am striving for. My heart gets crushed and bruised and trials come to me in what, at times, seems to be much more abundance than the average Christ-follower, but I long for the challenge and the struggles that are coming my way.

I recently heard it put this way. God will either deliver us FROM the fire and our faith will be built or He will deliver us THROUGH the fire and our faith will be refined or He will deliver us BY the fire and our faith will be made perfect.

I long for the day when my faith will be made perfect and I will be in eternity with Christ. But until I am so blessed as to die I will be looking for joy in all circumstances and embracing the fire in my life. That is when Christ draws closest to me and I grow to become more of who He wants me to be.

And though my current situation does not look like me being used for the ultimate purpose of my life...

I am grateful I have a place to hang.


Thanking Him for all the fruit, "out of placeness" and filth in our lives.




#40-155 (it's been awhile)

The bathroom being only 7 rolls in the wheelchair away
Cinnamon Oatmeal Raisin Pancakes w/ applesauce syrup
Baseball games the whole family can go to
The boy who thinks not just with his head but with his heart
Friends to lean on
A family to count on in hard times
Pooltime
Sisters that talk it out
Going to friends' house
Spending time with my dad
Matches
The making of new friends
Sirens that warn us of danger
Feet
Doctors
Dogs and nurses
Beds
Trees to breathe
The making of a new life
The son that cares about his mom
Summer night baseball games
Seeping in our own comfy house
Camp that is Godly
Noah built an ark
Someone wrote everything down
People melted plastic together for tupperware
God lit the earth
New friends that share your heart
Learning to swim
Comps of Christ
Prayers at bedtime
Surprise nerf ATTACKS!
Biscuits and gravy shared around the table on Saturday morning
Twigs we can paint gold and get all fancy with
To have the makings of a Christian
Friends who understand you
Books that I can read
Dictionaries
Candles to light your world
Underwear to make our life simpler
Water to cool off in
Time to relax
Peace and quiet
Grace--Your grace=my all
Young people
New mercies every day
Quiet peace
God's ways, God's paths, God's truth, God's teaching. (Show me Your ways O Lord, teach me your paths; quiet me in Your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Ps 25:4-5)
Food for the hungry
Full support when you really need it
Christian men and women who teach
Imagination
Morning head thump...still alive
Machines that teach us to move
Guys named "Mike" that teach me to use my knee right
Thunderstorms! YES!
My beautiful wife!
My pretty girl Koey!
My pretty girl Celah!
My pretty girl Azlen!
My pretty boy Malachi!
We have a dog!
Cool weather, new seasons.
Coming home to a house, food, beds, bathrooms, running water, SO! MUCH! WE ARE SO BLESSED! THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU JESUS!
God's blessings out of nowhere, when you least expect it! Thank you God!
Celebration!!
Fellowship with faithful mothers
Newness felt just because you rearrange a room.
Courageous men who will go out w/ strange men to find God
My husband who is walking his talk
The ocean
Vapo rub
Warmth and Shelter
Aloe
Remembered guitars
Letters!
The uncomfortableness that makes us grow
Brixton Yeah! Yeah!
That this family took me in and helped me in my time of need. (thank you)
Flexibility and a willingness to grow
Pancakes!!
Being brought into the light
A good night's sleep
A sweet girl named, Brixton!
Food!
Cool breezes
Cute puppy dogs that are friendly
Again and again's
Deoderant (AMEN!)
Slippers to warm my tootsies
Movies
Back-up friends
Love that NEVER fails
The word, Boo Ya! (Good word)
Instant rice
Books
God prophecying and fulfilling those prophecies so that we know the Bible is T-R-U-E
To have good days. (I agree)
Pictures to remind me of good days
Memories I get to have everyday to keep forever
Hope
Andventure
Moving. For all the friends I've made
I get down, He lifts me up
A clean house!
Homemade Upside-down apple pie!! AMEN!
New opportunities
Hangtime
Y'all guys in this home!
Super fun secrets
Birthday girls, especially Azlen today!
Chefs
Gods' time not mine
Friends
God's patience being greater than mine
Embracing the fire
Hanging sweaters

MOTHER TUCKERS

We’ve always thought that bedtime routines were of the utmost importance; taking that extra few minutes at the end of the day to spend time with each child. When they were really little there were more specific rituals. I remember with my youngest daughter, Azlen, she always required either the butterfly song or the duckie song; both of which are backward counting songs. She would giggle and be so absolutely enthralled in the song of the butterflies flying away so happy one by one. If I ventured into a new song or sang one of her favorites in a rush or skipped a verse in an attempt to speed up the tucking process, it would only lead to a few extra moments spent smoothing over her obvious disgruntlement when she’d correct me, “dat’s not da way it does, Mommy!” I’d get it right and then tuck her down each side while gently saying, “Snug as a bug in a rug my love.” We’d each say a prayer thanking God for each one of our family members and all the baby dolls and especially for Jesus and I’d ask a prayer of protection over my little Lion Heart, Azlen, praying secretly also for the little boy somewhere else in the world that just might be her husband someday. We’d end with some butterfly kisses, eskimo kisses, cheek kisses, ear kisses, and every other silly inventive kiss she could think of. The night light would be shining and a sweet song about Jesus would be swirling into the room as I would go to the door. I’d hear her little voice, “Don’t let the bed bugs bite, Mommy.” And I’d turn to my baby and say the final farewell, “Don’t bite the bedbugs, Azlen!” I’d hear her giggle as I moved on to the next child.

As a singer I was always ready to sing each child an amazing bed time lullaby. Sometimes though, as in the case of Koey, our first born, my attempts to soothe her with a melody brought her great misery. I would often sing her Amazing Grace as I tucked her in at night. I remember the time when she was around two as we were traveling that my efforts at night backfired on me. She was especially fussy and we knew that it was because she was tired. So, I began singing Amazing Grace to her. She instantly broke into a horrendous scream, obviously maddened that I had dared to try and put her to sleep. From that moment on, I was not allowed to sing Amazing Grace to her. She was determined to stay awake and not miss a thing. We thought it to be rather comical at the time and occasionally would begin singing Amazing Grace out of the blue just to get that little fuss. (Bad parents) Of course now that she is older, it is a song very dear to her heart.

As our kid’s began getting older the rituals began getting shorter and more concise. When our oldest was around 10 we committed to carry on the tucking ritual of praying with our children as long as they were under our roof. So, as their bedtimes began to change and their dependency on the tucking ritual began to lighten up, we would seek them out still and be sure that we came together before God to close each day.

During Spring Break one year was when I realized that all these tucking rituals I had performed year after year had been embedded into them so deeply that I had produced in my children what I call “Mother Tuckers.” When the kid’s had extended days of not being in school we would let them stay up until both of us would go to bed. Being more of a morning person, I would hit that 9 o’clock p.m. mark and be a zombie. So, I’d declare I was going to bed. I’d kiss each of them on the couch and go off to bed. Within five minutes of climbing into bed they’d all come tumbling into my room, climb up on the bed or kneel beside me. They were there to tuck me in. I would ask for a song or a story and they would all sing together, sometimes beautifully, sometimes in a dissonant chorus of chaos. They’d each pray for me and I’d pray for them and we’d hug and we’d kiss and as they’d leave the room they’d be sure to warn me not to bite the bedbugs.

One week I had gone to bed before them several nights in a row and knew that they would be coming to tuck me in. So, I put my body pillow under the covers and used a balloon under the covers to look like my head then quickly turned off the lights and hid in the closet. As they came in to tuck me that night, I barrelled out of the closet yelling in a husky voice, “What do you think you’re doin’, you Mother Tuckers?” They all squealed with delight as we rolled into laughter. My husband and I busted into laughter to the point of tears at my play on words mostly because the kids didn’t have a clue, which was a relief and a testament to our efforts also to keep their ears innocent.

All those years of tucking my children into bed were not wasted. Those were moments spent teaching them that our times of intimacy together are special and sacred. They were learning that at the end of the day after all the chaos and busyness there was a mother and a father who would take time to show them their love and a heavenly Father who would do the same. But, it was when they began tucking me in that I knew they were also learning that they too had love to show to their heavenly Father. They were my Mother Tuckin’ kids, and I was one happy Momma!

Independent Again

Well, today was the first day that I was without help since the tearing of my ACL and reconstructive surgery. I spent the first week after the surgery with My Wonderful and the second week in Kansas with my mom and dad at my sisters house. I was taken care of quite well and driven from place to place. It was quite nice! Now that I'm home again and all the help that I had is off either in Washington being an Army Chaplain (Cody is doing a practicum for the month of July), or packing up and moving to far away places (Mom and Dad are moving to Northern Ohio) I have returned to my independent living. I must confess, I LOVE IT!

Now, I know that I have said that a part of this whole ordeal has been that God wanted me to learn to depend on people and though I believe He did want me to do that he wanted me to learn also what people who are dependent feel and need. So, I have been keeping mental lists of what I needed during this time so that I can be of use in the future when friends or family are in need. Here's a short list of some practical things
I've learned that people need when they are laid up at home or in the hospital.

1.Three meals a day with snacks brought to them
2.Laundry done and put away
3.The house tidy and clean
4.Kids cared for, entertained, and occupied
5.To be told often and sincerely that they are a blessing to care for
6.Someone to sit and visit with everyday
7.To be given the freedom to be selfish so they can get better
8.Plenty of books, magazines, movies, or small projects such as crocheting to occupy the mind away from the pain and drudgery of their condition
9.Cards in the mail, or comments on facebook, or emails from everyone they know
10.Someone to drive them where they need to go when they need to go

Today was the first day I officially drove again. It was great to be able to take off and go wherever I needed to go. Everyday I feel better and everyday my leg becomes more usable and flexible. I still rely on my kids while I'm at home to get things for me now and then and to pick my leg up for me to get in and out of the vehicle at times but, I have made some great progress and though I'm not entirely independent yet, these little steps, like driving and using only one crutch now are very encouraging.

ACL

On Memorial Weekend while spending a lovely time at Family Camp in Southern Michigan I tore my ACL. I had just finished a family Tire and Pylon Decathlon in which we got 2nd place, went on a nature hike, played a few rounds of carpet ball, and then was headed to our cabin when I got this overwhelming urge to mutilate my husband in his first tetherball game. So, I challenged him to a game.

Now, the first rule of tetherball, if you want to win, is to never play with an opponent that is either taller than you or can jump higher than you. This rule came into existence after many years of playing with my older, taller sister whom I could never beat.

Since I broke this rule by playing with my husband, who is a phenomenal athlete, I suppose I deserved what I got. Since it was Cody's first game I knew it was also one of my only chances to EVER beat him. Since I was shorter than him I had to jump to reach his volleys. Since the ground was an uneven sand that was slanted towards the pole...I landed on my foot wrong and my shin went left while my thigh went right. Pop!! Of course my screaming diversion caused Cody to miss the ball and I ultimately DID win that game.

After the pain had subsided and the ice was on and I was declared immobile, I came to the conclusion that I had torn my ACL. After a treacherous drive home to Western Illinois and an X-ray and an MRI, my conclusion became a fact. I spent three and a half weeks walking on crutches and gimping around with a very unstable knee before I had my ACL restoration surgery on June 23, 2010.

I had done alot of research and decided to go with a Patellar Tendon reconstruction using my own tissue. That is where they take the middle third of my patellar tendon along with a piece of the bone from each end of it and use it to make my new ACL. The use of the bone instead of screw makes for a stronger hold and the use of my own tissue as opposed to a cadaver gives me greater chances for success. Though the recovery period is much more painful and takes longer using this type of surgery, I wanted the greater long-term result.

I wasn't too terribly nervous about any of it except for getting the IV put in. I had a few apprehensions about the pain after the surgery and about being put to sleep or about getting staples removed afterward but nothing too overwhelming. I'm not a mortal being so death doesn't scare me or even being hurt. I figure I might as well try to get this borrowed boy I live in fixed so I can use it well while I'm in it but nothing that happens to this body will change the fact that I am eternally loved and cared for and perfect to God.

Of course, the IV was the worst part for me before the surgery. They wanted to put the IV in my right arm and though I told them it doesn't like getting poked, I had to humor them and go through the torture of them trying before they ultimately stuck me three times and finally put the IV in my left arm. Now, I have a completely bruised up right arm and perfectly normal looking left arm where the IV went in. If there's ever a next time I will insist they do as I wish!!

Once the IV was started and I spoke with the anesthesiologist about being very gentle with my vocal cords since I am a singer, they somehow tricked me into going to sleep. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed in a different room and having a leg brace on my completely wrapped up leg. They gave me a morphine drip that I could push when I was needing a little more help dealing with the pain. They also began giving me medication for nausea since I kept throwing up everything I tried to eat. My mouth was completely dry which made it difficult to eat anything anyway. I spent the first night in the hospital. They had my knee in a machine for 30 minutes that night to help it bend to a 45 degree angle and then again the next morning for 2 hours before I was released to go home. I couldn't walk on my leg or bend it on my own and I was in a great deal of pain.

The second day after my surgery I saw the Physical Therapist who worked on bending my knee and gave me some exercises to do to help begin getting my leg back in shape. I tried really hard to let him have his way with my knee and he got it to bend to 50 degrees. This day was really hard and stressful for our whole family. I don't think we were as prepared as we should have been going into the care that needed to be done at home with Mom down. Everyday chores and meals became a great burden to everyone, especially Cody as he tried to take care of me, the kids, the house, and finish his Master's class, preach a wedding the next day, prepare for being a main speaker at camp in two days, carryout his full-time job as a minister, and prepare to leave for the military in 4 days.

So, the third day my mom came to stay with me so Cody could just take care of his stuff a bit more. It was helpful for me emotionally to have someone around to just sit and talk to.

A couple that Cody and I had been counseling were getting married on that day so I decided I'd at least get to the wedding ceremony. I was glad I got to go but it really drained me and I came home and crashed while Cody and the kids went to the reception. It was a good time for them to get out of the house and have a little fun together.

Today, is the fourth day after my surgery. The pain is a bit more controllable now though still pretty intense and definitely constant. I got myself together enough to go to church this morning. Though it was painful physically, it was wonderful spiritually. Cody gave an amazingly convicting sermon and called people up to get intentional or we'll close the doors. God was really speaking through him and I believe great things are going to be stirring in this little town of Colchester.

I'm hoping the next few days will just fly by as Cody leaves for his military training and I continue PT and then get my staples out and see the wound for the first time on Thursday. Until then, I'm going to figure out how to get my hair clean, and bum rides from friends, and keep my kids from killing each other out of boredom and just take it easy.

On Friday my parents are coming to pick us all up and take us with them to Kansas for a week. I just have to make it until then and then I'll have all kinds of help and entertainment for my soul.